Always on my mind

This blog started life very much as a breast cancer blog, in its own discrete space.  Gradually it has morphed into a “life and work in Asia with the cancer thing thrown in” blog with more talk about life and moments here than previously.  I realise that the past few posts have in fact contained “no talk about cancer” since the last round of checks in late March.  And that has to be a good thing.  It shows that cancer has a space in my life (unwanted obviously) but that it is not “my life”.  Life on the blog has been about Water Festival, changing seasons and the very exciting Dragonfruit news. But that does not mean that cancer is not in my mind and recently I read an article which really resonated.

The writer articulates how she thinks of cancer every day, more than three years since diagnosis. It is a wonderfully balanced article and sets out the ways in which cancer filters through, and not necessarily in a “gloom and doom” way. And that is why it resonated so clearly with me. If we think about cancer, it is not necessarily about fear but it is also about change, adjustment and loss. But there is a perception that to think of cancer frequently is unhealthy and negative and I realise that it is important to emphasise that is not necessarily so.

Similarly to the writer, I am reminded of cancer as soon as I wake. Firstly I lean over to take my synthetic thyroid before I get up to go and put on my swimsuit, stuffing my prosthesis in the left side. That’s my routine. I am not filled with fear or grief, but it is a nuisance and uncomfortable. How can I not be reminded of cancer? Even the act of swimming and cycling in the morning is motivated by the knowledge that I improve my odds with regular exercise. So before I start my day, there are Big Cancer Reminders right in front of my nose.

Cancer is somewhere in my mind when I make plans, particularly holidays or visits. I find it extremely difficult to commit to anything around the time of the six monthly checks and once I pass those milestones, my diary and planner suddenly spring to life. I was diagnosed in 2009 and dates far into the future felt beyond my own lifetime. I didn’t even realise that I thought to myself “well, I probably won’t be here to see that” when the announcement came that Rio would host the 2016 Olympics. But I did, with a pang of something akin to mild regret. By some cruel quirk of fate, that announcement was made the very day I met my surgeon for the first time and he told me that the masses were highly suspicious of cancer. Now as time moves on, even the Tokyo 2020 Olympics do not feel quite so unreachable.  Yet still I take nothing for granted. There are a lot of milestones on the cancer side of things, never mind other ways that I can be felled.

I am reminded of cancer as I walk gingerly, picking my way carefully with toes awkward due to residual neuropathy. Perhaps it is not cancer as such on my mind, but there is a firm link to chemo after effects and everyday mobility.

I am reminded of cancer as I prepare my weekly cocktail of medications, counting the days and making sure that the alternate doses of warfarin, 5 mg one day, 6 mg the next, are correctly calculated, looking at those innocent little Femara pills, which are so costly and which cause so many unpleasant side effects. It’s not being negative. It just is what it is.

I am even reminded of cancer when I reach into the kitchen cupboard for a tea cup and have to use my right arm because Twang Arm can only get there if I am on my tiptoes.

In fact I cannot count all of the reminders, and I do not need to. It is clear that the invasive nature of surgery, effects of treatment past and present, never mind the risk of recurrence, all contribute to visible and less visible reminders. The critical thing is to manage these and adjust. And for it to be understood that I am not being negative or tempting fate. My thoughts are valid and my fears, when they come, are valid too. And sometimes I am just really grumpy that I have to wear a prosthesis at all, fed up that it irritates my skin in a way that a natural breast never does and I just want to toss the wretched thing into the bin. Or I am frustrated that I always have to wear a high neck camisole vest to hide the scars. Everywhere I turn, it is staring me in the face.

Yes, the reminders are many and varied and essentially constant. How can cancer not be on my mind daily? But that does not mean I cannot and do not dream of being an old woman who wears purple! I have every intention of being that woman!

yangon rainy season 2

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14 thoughts on “Always on my mind

  1. Dear Philippa,

    lately I have been working on the challenge of re-shaping my life, learning to live with the grief of loss alongside of the struggle of both cancers and sudden widowhood. I think over time we learn to compensate, but we must also be good to ourselves and recognize we have the right to be sad and sometimes angry about how our lives changed and how those changes affect us. (like your Twang Arm) thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences in such an honest way, and inspiring us with both sides of the truth of “always on my mind”.

    much love,

    Karen xoxox

    • Thank you so much, Karen, for placing this so wisely in balance while giving credence and respect to those critical emotions and stages we work through. That re-shaping process must be almost overwhelming for you, so many huge changes and challenges to deal with one on top of the other. You have such grace and compassion and are a constant inspiration to us all.
      Love and light to you
      P
      xoxox

  2. Good, I am glad to hear you will be wearing the purple. I’m glad to hear that while you have these reminders every day, you are doing so much beyond it – and love reading your no-cancer posts too. Write from the heart, and please do keep sharing your story. 🙂

    • You know, Catherine, I was looking at fabrics today in Vientiane, rich, deep colours and there was the LOUDEST PURPLE you can imagine! Not yet, I thought to myself 😉 But one day….

      Lots of love to you and I want to say exactly the same to you – please keep sharing your story too, and telling it how it is.
      P xoxox

  3. Pingback: Weekly Round Up: The Other Lives Edition | Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer

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