Captain Paranoia

He’s back!  I woke up in the night this week and there he was, on my pillow, sitting cross-legged, feeding snippets of paranoia into my mind through my ears!

I felt my stomach clenching, as the fears rose to the surface.  I am always quick to feed a worry and Captain P knows this.  He was in his element, planting a snippet of suspicion in my mind and watching it gather speed and make me jump.

I overdid the treadmill in the gym a little the other day and have a pain in my heel.  I also bumped my shoulder against a van’s wing mirror a few days earlier and have a tender spot on my shoulder.  Add to that the combination of dark, scary, night time hours and voila – there is Capt P whispering “bone mets” in my ear.

I know that this is his peak season.  I am only 2 weeks away from the next round of checks so this is the most difficult time mentally.   I have already heard those “you have cancer” words once.  I know it can happen and I know I am at risk.

So who is this Capt Paranoia who is part of this post diagnosis life?  Does he warrant a whole posting devoted to him?  Yes, I believe he does, so that we can combine forces to send him packing when he tries to come visiting.

I am not able to take the credit for creating Capt Paranoia.  I borrowed him from a friend, and have seen him discussed on some of the discussion pages of Breast Cancer Care.  I have developed him in my mind though, into a kind of anti-hero.  In my mind. he has appalling dress sense, with an orange polyester sweatshirt with “The Captain” on its chest, and bright blue leggings and matching cloak, both of which clash terribly with his sweat shirt.  And of course, he has the obligatory underwear over his leggings and his untidy hair smoothed back with Bryl Cream.  Not the kind of guy you really want to find sitting on your pillow!

This personification (as insulting as possible) helps me to compartmentalise the fear and try and put it in its place.  In a corner.  Preferably the “Naughty Corner”

I have been developing ways of minimising Captain Paranoia’s activities.  My favourite is to play memory games in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep and worry comes my way.  Perhaps they are senility games.  I save up little puzzles, especially little exercises of trying to remember certain things from my past which I can’t quite bring to mind.  For example, the surname of a colleague from 20 years ago, the name of the band who sang a particular song in the 70s, features of a town I have visited many years ago………  I love this kind of puzzles and they are not new to me.  When I find that some detail is evading me, I love to ponder and puzzle over it until finally I retrieve it from the very dusty shelves in my memory bank.  Occasionally a detail may elude me for weeks, as was the case a couple of years ago.  I had been trying to remember the surname of a colleague I had worked with in the 80s and search as I might I just could not remember it.  Incredibly, when I was back in Scotland several weeks later, I bumped into him in Glasgow’s very busy Queen Street Station on the only day that I passed through Glasgow!  Happily I was able to solve that puzzle with his assistance because I have a feeling that it was not going to come back to me ever without some help.  I recently had another puzzle which kept me going for ages.  There was a tune which I just could not identify, and try as I might to hum it and retrieve the lyrics for a clue, I could not get more than a few disjointed and unclear words.  This one lasted for months and was finally solved when I was last in Thailand.  I don’t have a mobile phone here, but I do in Thailand and when trying to change the ring tone, I suddenly realised that the evasive tune was the ring tone on my previous phone!  No wonder I could not find the lyrics.

Happily when you get to my age, there are plenty of little details like this that you can’t quite retrieve.  So there is plenty of material for me to use in the dark hours when Capt Paranoia is trying to elbow his way into my head.  That is why I was lying awake in the early hours this morning, mumbling tunelessly that old number “tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree”, amazed that I seemed to remember all the lyrics (a dangerous confession I know) and trying to remember who on earth sang it!  It defeated Captain P and I eventually dozed off again with the lyrics going round and round in my head, trying to pin down the name of the band which was responsible for making it so popular so many years ago.

I have realised that this is a good strategy which I can use against Capt P from now on.  I will make sure I have a stock of these puzzles.  Luckily that is not a problem thanks to chemobrain’s support in fuddling the memory chips.  And I will make a conscious effort to search and solve these in a way of distracting my mind from the mean stuff that he is providing.  This is a tactic which I think will help in what is going to be a long relationship and tussle between myself and Capt P. I know that this will be a protracted connection thanks to this ever present fear that the cancer beast will launch a comeback.  I also know that it won’t always work.

This is not the same as denial, and vigilance is critical.  I know that I have to remain proactive and seriously check anything which is worrying as opposed to worrying about something which is easily explainable, or quickly disappears.

The thing is though, I have to be right EVERY time.  Capt Paranoia only needs to be right once. And that is his trump card.  That is why he is able to keep reasserting his presence on my pillow.

On the positive side?  Going over and over “Tie a yellow ribbon” in my head kept producing a cryptic repetition of “Dawn”.  Unconvinced, I googled the song in the light of day and guess what?  (I am sure you know this already).  We have to thank Tony Orlando and Dawn for bringing us this classic.  Now while I am sorry that Tony was far from surfacing in my mind, I was quite delighted that Dawn made itself appear in my mind before the dawn itself did.  Now is that a victory against senility, memory loss and Captain Paranoia?  I think it just might be!