I am not sure where to start with this. I am all over the place, and I have been all over the place. And tomorrow I am going more all over the place.
My physical and mental beings are in limbo and transit all at once. My mind feels as if it is the spin cycle of a washing machine. Everything churning and spinning with no time to stop and reflect. No moment or opening to move forward.
I have just returned from a very short, intense and emotional visit to Scotland, with highs and lows. Precious time with family, especially my father who continues to display incredible strength despite his frailty and years. The sudden, cruel loss of my brother in law, stolen by a hiding cancer, believed to have been eradicated by the best of treatment completed only a few weeks ago. A long haul flight nursing a dramatically coloured and swollen leg, damaged thanks to pavement aerobics caused by an unfortunate combination of numb and clumsy Taxotere toes and a sneaky paving stone peeking up over its allocated territory. The rare gathering of close family over steaming mugs of tea and coffee and delicious comfort food. Hushed conversations. Rushed purchases. Heavy skies. Welcome laughter. Heart-wrenching smiles patchworked over wounds.
And as an unseasonal challenge Scotland organised blankets of snow over brave crocuses and daffodils as a picturesque backdrop.
My return travel deposited me back in hot and sultry Yangon some 28 hours or so after I had left family in Scotland before sunrise in sub zero temperatures and into a sky full of snow waiting to fall.
Now, only a few days later, I am still not quite able to rest. My half unpacked bag is now being re-packed ready for the short flight to Bangkok. And the main reason for this unrest is the prospect of yet more checks. More blood draws from an arm so bruised I cannot see my own vein, scans to seek out anything which might be hiding and the usual investigation into anything which might hint at something sinister. I am exhausted with it all, yet I know it is what I need. I know that without these checks, my mind darts into those dark, frightening places. My Doctors and I are on the same page. By the end of the week, I hope that I will be n the other side of this heaviness and limbo and able to move on in whatever direction that might be. I know that my physical and emotional fatigue is colouring my spirit and mood. I understand it. It just is what it is.
In all this turmoil and shift, this feels like the right time to change my background image. While everything is so thrown up in the air, taking its own time for the different elements to drift back down and settle.
This image speaks to me right now. The sun is setting on a heavy day’s work in Yangon outside the Central Railway Station. This woman is carrying her burden on her head, keeping her hands free and her posture proud. Her silhouette speaks of determination and strength, as it absorbs the soft rays of the sinking sun.
And of inspiration and clear direction. In direct contrast to being all over the place.