Poetry Friday – “What if I were to tell you……”

What if I were to tell you……

What if I were to tell you, how scared I get.

What if I were to tell you, I think about it every day. At least once.  Though most days, so many times I lose count.

What if I were to tell you, it doesn’t get better.  Not really.  Just different.

What if I were to tell you, it makes me feel a hate so strong it stirs fear in my soul. Fear of my own hatred.

What if I were to tell you, I will never be the same again. I know.

What if I were to tell you, I wake in the night, wet tears reminding me. When I thought I had forgotten.

What if I were to tell you, that every twinge, every hint of pain brings a sweeping new dread.

What if I were to tell you, that hearing it is my fault ignites a fire of anger in my gut.

What if I were to tell you, it is just not as simple as “moving on”.

What if I were to tell you, that long after all around me have forgotten, it is my first waking thought.

What if I were to tell you, that once you hear that word, the mirror shatters.  The life you knew evaporates.  Replaced by a parallel, silent, world.  One built on assumptions.

What if I were to tell you.  And you were to hear me.

And understand.

Balinese lily illuminated by candle light

©  PCR 9 January 2013

21 thoughts on “Poetry Friday – “What if I were to tell you……”

  1. I love this Philippa…you sum up exactly how I’m feeling, and I’m still really at the beginning. Looking very much forward to speaking very soon xxx

    • This is bizarre – I was thinking of you this morning as I was swimming, wondering how you were doing and pinching myself to remember to email you……. Yes we must chat, and I really look forward to following your blog! Big hugs and take care.

  2. Amen, sistah! LOVE this. You nailed all the points, especially the anger that rises up when people think we should be passed “it,” when people think all the cancer talk should be in the past. Ever notice how it’s always the folks who haven’t had cancer themselves that say expect this from us? ERGH! Thanks for writing what is often on my mind.

    PS Love Poetry Friday!

  3. Maybe more people should read blogs..Or get to intimately know a family dealing with this monster..Only then can they (we) begin to understand how one can’t just move on.Some never talk about it, and that’s where I assumed all those who have dealt with it are like, that they don’t want to be reminded.I only started reading blogs about cancer last year. A few years go I knew a young lady who dealt with ovarian cancer -we were supposedly friends-and never answered when I asked how she is now, if she lives with fear of recurrence, long term effects of treatment etc.So I figured people want to ‘move on’ and that I was being intrusive and asking stupid questions…Until I read blog after blog.Maybe there are many like her, but there are also others like bloggers out there.Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions before I’ve asked them.Thank you for showing me that I wasn’t just making assumptions…And wishing you never had to go through this…

    • Thank you so much for your long and thoughtful comment. It is good to read various blogs as they describe very clearly how individuals experience this. The difficult thing is that we are all so different, and experience this differently……. Some people do want to move on and are more private about their experience, and that is valid too. It is very hard for everyone, and your thoughtfulness and concern are very touching.

    • Thank you – the more I think about it, the more the importance of recognising the psychological isolation of a diagnosis on ALL strikes me. Thanks for your comment, and it is good to connect and discover your blog 🙂

    • Thanks, K – I have really been taken aback at how much this has resonated with so many with comments here and on Facebook.

      Thanks for your support and understanding – it is entirely mutual 🙂 xoxox

  4. You said it so well. Even some of my support group members don’t seem to “get it’. Luckily I have some good friends who do listen. Thanks for putting your thoughts into powerful words.

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