I am not sure where or how to start this post. I have been silent on Facebook, failing to Tweet and there has been no blog post for just over a week. I am a reasonably predictable soul and silence, as I have mentioned before, is usually not an indication of a peaceful state of affairs.
It has been a very rough and very long week. I am still processing everything and the detail will follow. However, I would like to give at least a very short update, as my last post referred to the imminent “Big Checks” in Bangkok. And my silence has had everything to do with these checks.
As usual, I had the usual bloodwork, mammo, Ultrasound, physicals and questions. My bloodwork showed some elevation in one of the tumour markers and my oncologist, Dr W2, expressed concern. My two days of checks suddenly stretched into the best part of a week, as I was sent for CT and bone scans and then review. My mind has been in very dark places and I am physically and emotionally exhausted, as well as so tired of this whole never-ending drama. But most of all, I am relieved. Hugely relieved. For now.
I cannot describe how I feel on receiving the results. Numb. Drained. Relieved. Highly emotional. There is no elation, no wish or will to celebrate. Finally I can exhale, for now, as the markers will be monitored over the coming months. I also feel guilty, especially when I know others whose cancer has metastasized. How I hate this disease.
Tomorrow, 13 October, has been designated as Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. Still, not enough is known about metastatic breast cancer.