Moving on

It is over a week now since the Big Check and for the first time in what feels like forever, I feel I am finally moving forward.

I have found myself using corny expressions to describe how it feels, and corny they might be but they also feel highly accurate.  I really do feel as if a curtain has been lifted and I am able to see much more clearly ahead of me.

I didn’t realise just how much things felt as they were “on hold” and how much I was pinning on the Big Check.  I have been reluctant to make any plans, and even things like colouring the new hair has been avoided in case there was anything which meant more chemo and losing it all again.  No point in colouring it and then it all falling out.  Similarly there was no point in booking a break and then finding I had to cancel because I needed treatment again.  I even felt hesitant about getting a prosthesis which was more of a match – in case I would lose its match!  I know this all sounds extreme, but that is an illustration of the games that your mind starts to play once you have heard the cancer word.

But now I have had the Big Check, suddenly I feel as if I can finally look ahead and move forward.

Earlier I described life following a Breast Cancer diagnosis as a bit like having a lens through which I now see everything.  That is still the case, but since the Big Check I find that the lens has been adjusted quite dramatically, and my vision is clearer and sharper.  Just like getting new glasses in fact!

The result of this is that I very much hope that life will feel less dominated by cancer.  The fear of course will not disappear, and I know that nothing is guaranteed.  But for now, I can move forward with new priorities.

I hope that this might be reflected in the blog too.  Cancer is still a big deal, and will continue to provide the “inspiration” as well as information and news, for much of its content.  However, I think it will be balanced by more news and insights of life of the Feisty Blue Gecko, and might be a little more like the original blog.

So in that spirit, I am happy to update that we in fact rushed back from the big check in Bangkok last weekend.  And the reason for that was to attend a wedding here.  What better way to focus on the future than by sharing the marriage of a lovely young couple and being part of the celebration of their future life together and indeed the future.

And now I am preparing for a return to Bangkok next week.  For the first time in well over a year this will be my first trip to Bangkok which is not for medical reasons.  Visits to Thailand used to represent a break from the intensity of work wherever I was based at the time, as well as an opportunity to stock up on essentials not available there and of course yummy Thai food!  I really thought that my treatment time and the frequent visits to Bangkok would actually change the way I felt about visiting the city and somehow “spoil” it for me.  Well, I am amazed and delighted to say that I am ridiculously excited about my forthcoming visit to Bangkok (for work reasons) – and I have to say that this has quite taken me by surprise!

That must be a clear signal that I am really moving on.

14 thoughts on “Moving on

  1. I am smiling reading this. It’s been a long haul and it’s wonderful to hear you sounding so unburdened. Enjoy the trip and I look forward to pics of the new hair colour of FB soon.

    • Thanks J – yes i truly do feel different, and lighter even if Dr W2 insists there is an extra kilo lurking. I can’t feel it!! Now to plan a colour for those curls! xxx

  2. I am not sure that anyone reading this who hasn’t had cancer will truly understand the feeling … though you have described it very well. I am so pleased for you. You are merrily sailing through life and you suddenly and unexpectantly hit a storm … and it goes on … and on … and then one day the seas become calm again … and you oan see the horizon once more.

    Enjoy your trip!!!

    Paula xox

    ps I like my sultry brunette curls more than my prev colour and style … how cool is that!!

    • Beautifully put P – I hope we can keep clear of high winds and rough seas as far as possible now!!

      I am more intrigued with my hair than like it, I think, as the curls mean it is still looking very short. But hey, the instant perm is great!!

      Hope all is good with you

  3. Morning FBG, just read your blog and congratulations on coming out the other end of the machine! Life goes on, except we appreciate it more than anyone else when it has threatened us in such a way. Strictly for my own selfish purposes when you had your Big Check what did they do? I was asked to life my arms up, had a prod of my one remaining boob and asked how I felt. I told them I was in continued back pain and waiting for appointment to see Ortho. Consultant to see what’s wrong with my back. She said there was no cancer spread, as seen from last year’s CT scan so all was well! Did you have a blood test, further scan, xray, or did they just ask you how you felt and decided to leave it there? My breast ca. was in 2007 but I havn’t felt the same since – no energy, constant joint pain, no zing for the life you are grabbing back so eagerly. I feel such a fraud for feeling not quite right but I do look forward to receiving a response from you and wish you the very best for THE FUTURE! God bless, keep well, Ann x

    • Hi nutcracker
      Thanks for your detailed comment – I think a lot of your questions are answered in my previous blog, (The Annual Hunt), which goes into detail about what tests they did (Mammo, CT contrast, Ultrasound, Bloods and physical exams and revidew of results by both onc and surgeon. Every 3 months i have a smaller check which is just bloods and a prod as you describe!

      Incidentally I do know what you mean about not feeling quite right – I feel so much better than before, but still have problems and pain with Twang Arm and discomfort and awkwardness with the lopsidedness post surgery. But the chemo pulled me down a fair bit and just now I am just so glad that I am leaving a lot of those effects behind.

      Do keep in touch
      Warm wishes and you too keep well

  4. By reading your last blog you can feel the difference in you since your check up. I’m sure a mighty weight has been lifted. Let’s hope you have nothing but good fortune now your torrid journey has ended. Have a great time back in Bangkok. Will catch up with you later.

    • Thanks J – yes, I do feel different and it has been a long haul, so I really appreciate being here. I don’t feel that the journey has ended, just moving in a slightly different way now. I’m really enjoying this visit to Bangkok – look forward to catching up soon P x

    • Too right!! Although I am full on in a conference first, but really enjoying being here. It just feels so different coming for a “normal” – ie non-cancer reason. Thanks and big hugs xx

  5. Hiya P

    Mmm … things OK this end.

    Getting a little nervous ‘cos I am going back into hospital for an op in about 10 days. I am having cosmetic surgery on ‘the other side’ as well as an oopherectomy (removal of my ovaries!). I can’t wait to have two perky boobies … but it is different from last time … when it wasn’t optional!

    Don’t like the prospect of being ‘a patient’ again … but heyho all being well … it means I will finish the year ‘dun’ and dusted! And lets face it … things are brighter (for both of us) this Christmas than they were last year :))

    Big hugs – P xox

    • Hi P

      Lovely to hear from you and good to hear of the next phase, though I can understand your nervousness. Wow perky assets – get me a couple too while you’re there ;)!! As you say though, it is a whole different scenario with choice in our hands now. And yes, what a different Christmas is in front of us this year!

      Take care and I’ll be thinking of you, big hugs P xx

  6. Hi
    It was nice to read that you’ve had your 1 year check-up and all’s well. I have my 1 year check next week and i just hope that mine goes as well as yours did.
    The closer it gets to my check-up the more i have a sense of doom, which is something i’ve been able to push away until now.
    Anyway good luck.

    • Hi Jane – thanks – I know exactly what you mean about the sense of doom. I think if is all part of the way this whole disease messes with the mind! I had convinced myself that I had recurrence! I hope your checks go well and please let me know how it goes – I’ll be thinking of you.
      Good luck and warm hugs

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