Same same, but different…… (“Things will never be the same again” reprised)

In Thailand something you hear and see often is the expression “same  same” to describe anything resembling something else. I have often heard it used to persuade someone that something is just as good as the original (Rolex, fake Rolex for example – same same).  There are t-shirts with variations of how it is heard and even a guest house called the Same Same Lodge.  It always makes me smile when folks comment on hubby J’s resemblance to a Thai almost always with “you, me – same, same ah?”   Used just as frequently is the potentially puzzling “same same – but different”.  It is not too obscure though and is used often to describe something fairly similar to something else.  But a little different, obviously!

How fitting that life changed so much in the land of “same, same”.

At the beginning of 2010 I remember thinking through how much life had changed, how much would never be the same again , and some things which I hoped would perhaps be similar to those pre-cancer beast days. It is interesting to look back at those lists and see if I am indeed settling into what is often termed “the new normal”.

Things that really have changed for good

 • Bra shopping!! As anticipated, this is a whole new experience. Choices are greatly restricted and rely on proper fitting – no buying off the shelf! Happily from a Scottish perspective the cost implication has not been quite as much as I thought it might be, but I do wish there were front fastening options in the shops!

• My left arm. Oh dear. This is not good. Horrible Twang Arm is still causing me grief. It hurts, movement is still severely restrained and despite the fact that I swim regularly and exercise it, I don’t honestly feel it is really improving much. Perhaps when rainy season is over and my swimming is not so disrupted, that might make a difference. The numbness is definitely reduced though. One thing is for sure – this battle of nerves and determination is set to last a long time.

Health and travel insurance. This is something which continues to really worry me and I need to stop putting off the need to research the implications.

• Using a computer. This has not been as bad as I had feared and Twang Arm has coped well with a return to office life. However, too much time on the computer does aggravate it a bit which is something I need to balance carefully in this technology based, online world.

• My wardrobe. Well, the wardrobe has not changed much and I can wear more than I could a few months ago. But Twang Arm does not like the contortions involved in getting dressed so I tend to rely on clothing which has buttons and is easy to put on. I am able to dress myself now which is progress though!!!

• Being spontaneous. And planning. Although it sounds as if the two are mutually exclusive, it is really difficult to do either for similar reasons. Planning is particularly tricky as I need to work around the 3 monthly checks. Moreover, in the back of my mind (or quite near the front of my mind actually) is the constant fear of another encounter with the cancer beast and a reluctance to plan anything in the further distance.

And the things which felt as they would never be the same, but which I hoped might well be one day………..

• Being able to plan a visit to see family, a night out, weekend away, holiday ……. Taking into account the difficulties in planning generally, I have to say that I now feel that I have much more control here. i have been able to get back to the UK, I have been able to rebuild a gentle social life. Next on the agenda has to be a proper break, whether it is a weekend or longer….

• Having a choice of things to order from a menu. Great progress here!! When chemo finished I asked Dr W2 about foods which I should avoid (or have more of) in order to regain my health and to keep the cancer beast out of sight. He said that research and data often gave contradictory messages, such as the tofu and soy debate. His advice to me? “Live your life, eat healthily and sensibly and don’t stress about food”! So while I eat very carefully and healthily (mostly 😉 ), I have far greater freedom in what I eat, and far greater choice then when I was on chemo. Coffee is again allowed, although I have never been a great coffee drinker. It is nice to enjoy the occasional cuppa or iced coffee. It was be wonderful to have a clear directive on what is good and what is not, but I know that is not realistic, and I have to balance clear nutrition messages with “living my life” as Dr W2 said.

• Scratching my ankle without getting shooting pains under my arm! I have just tested this one! Scratching anything these days is tricky because of the after effects of Taxotere (neuropathy and crumbling fingernails) but it seems that the shooting pains have at least subsided, if not disappeared. I still have supersensitive skin, and my shingles area is particularly prone to itchiness and irritation. But I do think that the Twang Armpit (how gross!) is less squealy and sensitive that it was before. It is still swollen and I find that my latest (well for months if I am honest) worry is that lymphodema sneaks in. It is a risk following lymph node surgery and can start long after you think there is no longer a risk. And it is another horrible thing to have to deal with.

• Walking to work carrying my lunch box and umbrella. We are still in the throes of rainy season here, and rainy season means RAIN! I actually find the rains really refreshing, revitalising and mostly enjoy the energy of the rain pounding on the surfaces, and lush vegetation it brings.

However, it can be pretty disruptive as roads flood, the power goes off, the thunderstorms are dramatic and even with an umbrella you can become drenched in minutes if caught outside when the heavens open.

So walking to work is limited at the moment. It is also something which very annoyingly seems to aggravate Twang Arm. However, I AM able to walk with lunch box, swimming gear and my own bag as well as holding my umbrella to keep either the rain or sun off me. Adding in the laptop bag makes it a bit more difficult but let’s see how the coming months progress and if Twang Arm is further banished. And of course, if rainy season will ever end!

• Dancing. Been there! Done it!!!! Ok, style was pretty “unique and Twang Arm tried to spoil the fun, but “yessir, I can boogie!”

• Sleeping in a position other than flat on my back with a pillow under Twang Arm. I still sleep mostly on my back and Twang arm still sleeps mostly on a pillow. I have tried to sleep on the surgery side which I have stopped for a while as it seems to aggravate Twang Armpit and the numb sensitive area behind my underarm. It is slightly easier to sleep on the port side (or is it starboard??) but it still nips a bit and still pinches the port area. Yeech.

• Going to the hairdresser. Well, I have of course had one visit to the hairdresser, although I know we can’t call it a haircut. More like a bit of a buzz! I am not sure whether to take the frosty locks for a tidy up yet as I am torn between losing precious hair and getting a style which makes me look like a person, and preferable a woman person. I had a very funny moment a week ago, when J asked if where the hair drier was. My reaction was one of irritation that I had left it unused for months – what a waste! Then I remembered why it has been unused!

• Travelling on my own. My trip back to the UK in June really brought it home to me much I had lost my independence. Even more difficult was the loss of confidence in doing things independently.  I was unable to carry anything much on either side, found pushing a trolley very difficult and it was impossible to try and get my luggage off the carousel at the airport. I had to ask strangers to lift off my tiny neat little travel bag, to my embarrassment. However, that was 3 months ago and just after radiation. Now I feel much stronger. The fact that I can carry bags to work and push a trolley in the supermarket (and in Bangkok airport last month) is a sign that I can probably manage easy gentle trips.

• The taste of water. Oh it is so good to be able to drink water without it tasting like stagnant drains. Since my last check I have also almost stopped drinking fruit juice because of its high (natural as well as artificial) sugar content and love the taste of fresh, cold water. I still tend to squeeze a bit of fresh lemon but that is not to disguise it anymore, but rather to enhance the taste as well as adding in some fresh vitamin C. My taste buds seem to have recovered well, and I cannot think of any foods which I cannot eat or which taste different. And after a long time I am finally able to eat spicy food again, though I still cannot tolerate very spicy.

• Having a pedicure and massage. This is a funny one. I have had a few foot massages since finishing the treatment, but am still reluctant to have a massage or pedicure. I have so many sensitive spots that a massage does not really appeal to be honest. And my toes are numb and still feel too big for my feet so I do not feel inclined to have a pedicure either. • Looking forward to a trip to Bangkok. I think this will take a while. Perhaps a lifetime. A trip to Bangkok is a trip to the Hospital, tests, needles, scary appointments and fear. There may be the occasional trip to Bangkok which will be for other reasons, but given the regularity of the checks, most travel there will not be something I look forward to.

• Measuring time in units other than 3 weeks. This is an interesting one. While I no longer live in units of 3 weeks, I still find that time and planning is based on the hospital visits. They are the top priority when it comes to planning and other things must fit in round that. Happily the unit is no longer 3 weeks, but a more manageable 3 months which allows a sense f being able to settle and relax more without counting days.

• Being able to dress myself in clothes which go over my head. Work in progress. As I mentioned earlier, there are more garments which I can wear now when I compare with several months ago. I can also dress myself which is great progress. But the clothes which go on over my head? Hmm – must try harder I think!

So looking back over the past months, I can see that many of the things I had hoped would gradually ease have indeed done so, and I am able to feel a sense of “normality”. I know that this normality and life before I was diagnosed are not the same thing at all. Hence a popular term being the “new normal”. But I think I prefer my Thai version of the new normal – “same  same – but different”.

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15 thoughts on “Same same, but different…… (“Things will never be the same again” reprised)

    • Thanks J – you can imagine that there is a heap of stuff which it is better NOT to share on the public domain too 😉

  1. Do not despair over Twang Arm! This time last year I felt very similar but it made a great step forward at Christmas and another in June of this year. I still cherish hopes of regaining full movement.

    The planning and spontaneous thing I haven’t quite cracked but it has definitely improved. And the confidence is returning gradually.

    It is early days but my feeling is that we’ll both get there – eventually!

    Love E. xx

    • Thanks for your encouragement E – it is almost a year now since Twang Arm came into my life and I keep thinking that it should have been banished by now. So it is really encouraging to know that I just need to keep at it. What helped the giant steps forward?
      Planning is a funny one, isn’t it? At the moment I can’t think beyond the Big Check in November, and for some reason that is stopping me from planning anything before as well as after it!
      But you are so right – we WILL get there 🙂
      Thanks – big hugs
      P
      xx

  2. I’ve been following your blog for a while now & it has helped me enormously.
    My ordeal started about 2 months after you, & treatment has all finished now (hopefully), apart from the usual check-ups. I relate entirely to the being scared to plan something too far ahead. I want to book a holiday for next year, but just can’t do it. It’s like i’d be tempting fate or something.
    As for the arm, mine is treated like royalty, it also has it’s own pillow 🙂
    I have my big check in December.
    Good luck.
    Jane

    • Thanks so much for your message Jane, and I am really chuffed you have been following the blog, trust me it has helped me too!!
      I’m glad your treatment is finished now, though I know what you mean about tempting fate and not planning anything. I keep thinking that I will be able to after the November check …….. (Whispering – Twang Arm seems a bit better over the past few days, but I don’t want to tempt fate on that one either!!)

      Take care and keep in touch
      P

  3. Just discoevered your blog through JBBC. Great post here which I relate well to having finished my chemo in October. So much has changed. It’s true things will never be the same for those of us on this path. Hope you can visit nancyspoint sometime. Best wishes for 2011 and good health for all!

    • Thanks for your comment, Nancy – and it is good to connect with you. Am looking up nancy’s point right now and look forward to reading from you.
      I hope your path is smoother, and wish you health, happiness and harmony for 2011. Philippa x

  4. Pingback: Auld claithes (old clothes), porridge and blogging – a relation of “new normal”? « Feisty Blue Gecko – a tail of the unexpected

  5. Hi Philippa. Having just finished active treatment for breast cancer (and been introduced to my new buddy, Tamoxifen), I can identify with a huge amount of what you’ve written above. I cannot wait to join you in the ability to sleep without a pillow under my arm, just for starters. And as a woman whose diagnosis coincided with a move to the tropics (the Northern Territory of Australia – not as adventurous as Ms Gecko!), I also enjoyed your reflections on the wet season…an experience I am also learning to savour. I have just started exploring the world of ‘breast cancer’ blogs and have been entranced by Feisty Blue Gecko – will be frittering away plenty of time in your archives!!

    • Hi Liz – thank you so much for your comment. It is great to connect with you (forgetting the crap reason why of course 😉 ) – I am pleased to have found your blog now, and I love your writing. And funnily enough I was only 400 km from you last week, in Dili – I’ll be writing about tht soon.

      I hope you are doing ok, and that your friendship with Tamoxifen is proving reasonably smooth. My relationship with Tamox is nearly 2 years now and I am still to garner any affection for it!

      I look forward to hearing more of how you are doing. Take care and keep eating the papaya 🙂
      Hugs
      P

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