Intrusion

I was sitting in Dr W2’s office and he was showing me something on his computer screen.  He explained quietly (not like him!) what was on the screen, but I could not understand what he meant.  I asked him if it meant that he was worried about the cancer beast making a reappearance (ok I didn’t use those words, but that was what I was wanting to know).  However, I just could not understand what he was trying to tell me.  Then he changed the subject and said he would take out my port the next day.

Then I woke up in a cold sweat, surrounded by the remnants of a very vivid nightmare!

I have to return to Bangkok next week for the first of my 3 month check ups and I know I am not looking forward to it.  Let’s be honest, I’m dreading it.  To find that it is intruding in my dreams, and in such a lucid fashion, is not welcome.

I’m not so worried about the procedures – I know the needle lady will get a fair share of blood from my weary veins, and I know I will be prodded and poked.  I’m not looking forward to it, and I know I will be my usual cowardly self faced with the needle.  I also  know I will either have my port flushed or removed and that I am pretty nervous about.

This is not what I am most afraid of though, I realise.  What frightens me most is that the Doctors see some sign of concern, and not the NED (No Evidence of Disease) I crave.  And just in case that fear was not abundantly clear to me, the night time monsters have decided to spell it out in the form of these scary nightmares.

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One thought on “Intrusion

  1. Hey – you will be fine, far too many positive thoughts and prayers coming your way. get jigme to massge lotion into your feet before you or just after you go to bed and soothe away the baddies

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