I was sitting in Dr W2’s office and he was showing me something on his computer screen. He explained quietly (not like him!) what was on the screen, but I could not understand what he meant. I asked him if it meant that he was worried about the cancer beast making a reappearance (ok I didn’t use those words, but that was what I was wanting to know). However, I just could not understand what he was trying to tell me. Then he changed the subject and said he would take out my port the next day.
Then I woke up in a cold sweat, surrounded by the remnants of a very vivid nightmare!
I have to return to Bangkok next week for the first of my 3 month check ups and I know I am not looking forward to it. Let’s be honest, I’m dreading it. To find that it is intruding in my dreams, and in such a lucid fashion, is not welcome.
I’m not so worried about the procedures – I know the needle lady will get a fair share of blood from my weary veins, and I know I will be prodded and poked. I’m not looking forward to it, and I know I will be my usual cowardly self faced with the needle. I also know I will either have my port flushed or removed and that I am pretty nervous about.
This is not what I am most afraid of though, I realise. What frightens me most is that the Doctors see some sign of concern, and not the NED (No Evidence of Disease) I crave. And just in case that fear was not abundantly clear to me, the night time monsters have decided to spell it out in the form of these scary nightmares.