Well here we are again.
It is the night before – what exactly? It could be the eve of Chemo 8, or then again it might not be. I know I am always uncertain and it depends on blood tests and the usual monitoring. However, this time there is more uncertainty than usual, mostly thanks to my little brush with pneumonia.
I will need to be absolutely clear of infection and I guess the blood tests and other checks should give some sense of that. I might also need to have follow up checks including another chest X Ray before they decide. This is all guesswork though, and knowing Dr W2 he is equally likely to send me up to the 5th floor if the bloods are ok.
I have mixed feelings (for a change!) I feel so weak, frail and sick that I want to get on the other side of No 8 (and the whole course) and finally feel as if I can start moving towards recovery. But for the same reasons (feeling so rough) I know how much the chemo drags me down and the thought of being pulled down from a very starting point is not an appealing one.
I think it is a combination between the effects of the monsterbiotics, and exhaustion from the 7 rounds of Chemo (thanks, Rocky), anaemia and that latest gift of pneumonia. Today I had to rely on wheelchair assistance leaving Yangon. Usually I manage unaided, as it is a small and well laid out airport. However, even the short distances are beyond me. It is frustrating and upsetting. On arrival in Bangkok, I had to walk down a couple of flights of steps and a short distance. I was in tears of exhaustion and weakness by the time we got the the vehicle. I could feel the eyes of the other passengers on me, and judgements of the unfit, pathetic woman struggling to get down the stairs. Can you imagine if I had to go UP stairs?!
I might have never been an athlete but I have always had stamina and willpower as well as good levels of energy. Even when I was struggling to walk far after chemo 7, I was able to swim up to a kilometre at a time (thanks to the buoyancy as much as anything 🙂 ). From where I am now, I cannot imagine feeling strong, well and fit again.
So I am in a very different (and unexpected) frame of mind to my usual Night before Chemo Jitters. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but one thing is for sure. 24 hours from now we will all know.