The night before something

Well here we are again.

It is the night before – what exactly?  It could be the eve of Chemo 8, or then again it might not be.  I know I am always uncertain and it depends on blood tests and the usual monitoring.  However, this time there is more uncertainty than usual, mostly thanks to my little brush with pneumonia.

I will need to be absolutely clear of infection and I guess the blood tests and other checks should give some sense of that.  I might also need to have follow up checks including another chest X Ray before they decide.  This is all guesswork though, and knowing Dr W2 he is equally likely to send me up to the 5th floor if the bloods are ok.

I have mixed feelings (for a change!)  I feel so weak, frail and sick that I want to get on the other side of No 8 (and the whole course) and finally feel as if I can start moving towards recovery.  But for the same reasons (feeling so rough) I know how much the chemo drags me down and the thought of being pulled down from a very starting point is not an appealing one.

I think it is a combination between the effects of the monsterbiotics, and exhaustion from the 7 rounds of Chemo (thanks, Rocky), anaemia and that latest gift of pneumonia.  Today I had to rely on wheelchair assistance leaving Yangon.  Usually I manage unaided, as it is a small and well laid out airport.  However, even the short distances are beyond me.  It is frustrating and upsetting.  On arrival in Bangkok, I had to walk down a couple of flights of steps and a short distance.  I was in tears of exhaustion and weakness by the time we got the the vehicle.  I could feel the eyes of the other passengers on me, and judgements of the unfit, pathetic woman struggling to get down the stairs.  Can you imagine if I had to go UP stairs?!

I might have never been an athlete but I have always had stamina and willpower as well as good levels of energy.  Even when I was struggling to walk far after chemo 7, I was able to swim up to a kilometre at a time (thanks to the buoyancy as much as anything 🙂 ).  From where I am now, I cannot imagine feeling strong, well and fit again.

So I am in a very different (and unexpected) frame of mind to my usual Night before Chemo Jitters.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but one thing is for sure.  24 hours from now we will all know.

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2 thoughts on “The night before something

  1. Just hang on in there Philippa. You are so close now. If I could bottle strength and health and send you a crate.…. Sending hugs instead and thinking of you every day.

  2. Hang in there Philippa! Read the secret, it’s an amazing book. I really hope you find your answers there and start your journey towards healing! Hugs

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