The dark cloud of discovery

A dark

heavy

black

cloud

sweeps across my horizon

Coming from nowhere

Bringing a chill

of fear

My skin reacting

goose flesh prickling

as my fingers rest

on a

strange

alien

unwanted

bulge of flesh

where one should not be

where one wasn’t before

Unmistakable

and life- changing

******

The dark

heavy

black

cloud

thickens

squeezes

contorts

my stomach muscles

Stops my heart beat

Brings beads of perspiration

to my brow

and causes my teeth to chatter

with fear

as the radiologist

pegs

contours

of unwanted flesh

on a disembodied screen

and slowly taps

m

a

s

s …..

realisation

fear at a peak

mind spinning

She does not

stop

tapping

n

o

1

Mass

Number

One?

unimagined

unbelievable

dear gods

How can there be more than one?

******

Calm

knowledgeable

confident

kindly

amidst the

swirling black clouds

the Doctor

processes

evidence

images

He analyses

explains

the presence

of unwanted masses i

rregular shapes

And any

tiny

glimmer

of hope

of sunshine

is shattered

dispersed

enveloped

by his words

reaching through the swirling, black, overpowering clouds

crashing around my ears

changing my life forever

“highly suspicious of cancer”

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7 thoughts on “The dark cloud of discovery

  1. We just read your last posting and we don’t know what it means really and maybe you also hardly can. But what we know is that we admire you and your fight deeply and have tons of respect of how you deal with it and how you are sharing it. It is great that sharing is also helping you. Know that you are in our mind and with the possitive power you show in blogs and our possitive thinking we support you in your living your life.
    Lots of love and strength, Henk and Gemma.

    • Thanks so much Henk and Gemma for such a thoughtful and lovely message. This posting was something I wrote quite a while ago, just after the diagnosis and sets out how it felt at those stages (discovering the lump, the reality of the ultrasound which revealed worrying masses, and then the Dr’s analysis and diagnosis).

      I really appreciate your message and thoughts. I hope you are both well.
      Love and hugs
      P

  2. Hi Philippa,

    I was really devastated to know what you’ve been going through over the last five months now. I just found out and just read your blog. I really admire your courage and about the way you are dealing with it – very positive, very Philippa.

    Be strong and please do not allow the ‘spaceship’ to take away the Philippa in you.

    • Hi Juner – thanks so much for your lovely message, I was really touched to read it.

      I am doing fine – just ploughing the treatment and complaining loudly! I had to laugh about the space ship – some folks had hoped that surgery might remove my dreadful sense of humour and awful puns!!! hehe!!

      But you are right – it can’t take away our character and I guess feistiness!
      I hope you are well? Where are you these days?

      Warm wishes
      Philippa

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