Mixed feelings

Oh dear, it’s that time again.

Mixed feelings abound.  We left Yangon this morning, sad to leave home and head back to limbo.  Our journey to Bangkok was uneventful but my mood was dark with tension and nervousness.  However, it is also good to be back online as connectivity at home is increasingly difficult.  (WordPress is no longer accessible, twitter has also disappeared and intriguingly the in box of facebook  remains unopenable).

I repeated the blood test on Thursday, unsure of how or whether the counts would have increased.  A stomach upset at the weekend had sabotaged my attempts to rebuild my strength.  However, the results came back with a clear increase in the main levels.  The essential and naughty neutrophils had increased quite a bit.  The normal range is between 1.5 and 6.6 apparently – at 1.1 last week mine was clearly too low for another dose of destruction.  The repeated test showed an increase to 4.78 – now I have no idea what that all means but it is clearly a lot higher than it was and also nicely within the normal range.  Now I just hope that Dr W2 is going to be happy with the results too and that chemo 5 can go ahead.

As usual, I am anxious that this chemo goes ahead, particularly now that it has been delayed.  However, as always I dread it so much a significant part of me would secretly be relieved if it can’t go ahead.  Though not so secret really given that I have posted it here, I guess!

This time though, there is an additional anxiety.  At the halfway point of chemo, apparently the regimen changes.  I have had four cycles now of an eight cycle course so that is pretty clearly the half way point.   I have had my full dose of part one (described here) and now move on to a new unknown chemo.  This is scaring me witless (rhymes with………) As much as I detested the first picnic, the unknown feels extremely scary.  The side effects will in all likelihood be different and some new delights are in store for me.

No matter how mixed my feelings are though, one thing is for sure.  By this time tomorrow I will at least know whether or not I am at number 4 still or have moved on to number 5.

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